Gifts
AikiWeb 12-2010: Receiving and Giving Gifts
Breathe in, receive
Breathe out, give
Gifts
‘Tis the season of gifts. It is time to figure out what people want or need, where you can find it, can you afford it, and how to avoid the most crowds. Like so many things in life, it’s a lot more complicated than it looks.
When I first saw Aikido, it looked easy. Everyone moved with grace and coordination. I was sure I could see exactly what was going on. I now know that I was interpreting my perception of something I knew nothing about.
I found in gift buying that I was doing the same thing. I really wanted to buy gifts for people that they would appreciate. I haven’t always been good at it. In fact, I think I come from a very long line of very bad gift buyers. I finally figured it out that I was buying gifts for people based on what I wanted to receive. I gave what I wanted to receive even if it was rather inappropriate, unacceptable, and unappreciated by the person I was giving it to. This certainly created some rather awkward moments and some rather funny looks. BTW, I finally figured out that if I paid attention to them I just might find out what they like and want.
I see this in couples counseling all the time. One person is being very giving, but they are not giving what the other person wants. They might not even have a clue what the other person really wants. In communication I call this the input and output channels. If the output channel of one person matches the input channel of the other, the communication is clear and complete. So is the gift giving and receiving. If the output channel of one person does not match the input channel of the other, the communication can be confusing at best or totally lost. Ditto with the gift idea. I have seen a person express their love to someone who truly doesn’t believe they do love them. The gift of love was given but never received.
The most important gift we can give is of ourselves. The most important gift we can receive is of another person. The most important process is to drop our individual duality and distinction and become one with each other. In couples counseling I listen for the “we” more than the “I” and “you”.
So why do I mention this in an Aikido column? In Aikido practice we give ourselves over to the loving protection of all we train with. It is our training partner’s (as well as ours) responsibility to take care of us. They, in turn, give themselves over to our loving protection. To be able to practice another day, “we” must take care of each other. To take good care of each other, we must communicate.
This is where we must pay close mindful attention. On the one hand to really help my training partner’s practice with some sense of reality, I must attack them with honest intent and energy. Otherwise, they will develop a false sense of mastery. We have not helped them, but have hurt them. On the other hand, if I give too honestly of my intent and energy, I may hurt them in practice. While it is certainly not uncommon for the right hand not to know what the left hand is doing, perhaps we can open some lines of communication and give the gift that our training partner needs. Perhaps we can ask them (and then listen for the answer) to help us find just the right amount of intent and energy to give. Besides the gift of ourselves, we give the gift of actually paying attention and responding appropriately to another human being. This is truly a gift worth giving.
In practicing I must be open to the honest intent and energy of another human being is giving me. I must receive and accept (possibly even appreciate) what they offer me. I have seen high level yudansha complain because the beginner did not attack correctly. Yet the beginner is giving the best they can, but did the receiver receive what was offered? A beginner cannot give more than their level of ability, but a higher belt should certainly be able to accept and work with whatever is offered. We must find just the right amount of our own intent and energy to blend with theirs and complete our technique without harming them. They give us the gift of trust and we give them the gift of protection.
The gift of good communication is a two-way street, a conversation, and a dialogue. We give in loving kindness and protection and we receive in loving kindness and protection on and off the mat.
In meta-physics (only meaning beyond the physical) they suggest that whatever you want to receive you first must be willing to give away freely with no strings attached. You give not because you will receive, you simply give because it’s the right thing to do.
While this is the season of giving and receiving gifts, most importantly it is the season (as everyday is) of giving and receiving the gift of love. Give freely.
Breathe in, receive
Breathe out, give
Gifts
From me and mine, to you and yours, have a safe, healthy, and happy holiday season.
I hope we find ourselves sharing the gift of space and time on the mat in the New Year.
Thanks for listening, for the opportunity to be of service, and for sharing the journey. Now get back to training. KWATZ!
